Looking at life from a macro perspective,as a whole i mean,is really wayy easier to handle than the day-to-day perspective.i told my colleague today that a 9 to 5 job is probably the most depressing thing on earth.on the bus sometimes,all you wanna do is just get off and stand in the middle of the road and pray for something moving at top speed to run you over(which is perfectly possible given the crazy rush to work or hell on earth i see people go through everyday) because life might be better that way.
My boss had a pretty serious talk with me today.Concrete plans and stuff like that.6 months.12 months.18 months.24 months.in total,i should peak by the end of 6 years.i was pretty intimidated by the reality of it all.numbers.results.reality.it scares me because it just occurred to me that with every year that passes,running away isn’t such an easy thing to do anymore.the child in me will always want to retreat to a safe distance where i feel safe in my little comfort zone.but as time passes,something just prevents that from happening.not a complete prevention but something definitely holds me back from running away.
This catalyst for my growth has been evoking all these thoughts and realisations in me that i never knew i was capable of.I suppose the disarray of emotions i had today was probably due to the fact that i don’t know if im really prepared for life you know?education,or school as they call it has always been this glass shield.protecting me from real responsibilities and stuff.my glass shield has only 2 years left.
People around see something in me that i can’t see in myself.Sometimes i don’t really understand the kind of faith they have in me.Which makes me question if it’s nothing but blind faith they have in me.but then again,these people have no moral or emotional obligation to offer me any sort of solace or false encouragement,so i suppose their words may be trusted?
Don’t get me wrong.
At 19 going on 20,I am thanking the highest heavens for the way my life is right now.I wouldn’t want to have it any other way.The insane opportunities that have been coming my way since i was 18.My crave for perfection can be pretty stifling sometimes.My competitive nature,not so much against others but against myself does make my life pretty difficult at times.
Perhaps it’s time to grow up.Perhaps it’s really time to see what life is really like.Enough of the preludes to life,sneak peaks and stuff like that.The amplification of life’s occurrences which i go on to label as completely unprecedented and thereby proclaiming myself and my life to be completely godforsaken.
I’m scared really,but right now,I just hope pray and wish that i can be tougher than the going and emerge as a better version of myself.A large part of me still wants to risk it all for once.
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In other less serious news,I might be taking up dance again and I’m pretty damn excited about that(:
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In other really really sad news,I’ve used up my budget for buying books from amazon which was meant for the month of june.This means only window shopping on amazon for the next month and 3 days.GREAT.
